Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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