he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
