You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
