I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
