Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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