Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
