He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
