I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
