my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
