No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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