Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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