Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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