I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
