Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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