Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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