do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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