sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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