Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
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