Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
