she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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