Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
