remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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