There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize