Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
