he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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