Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
