I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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