whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize