I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
