my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize