she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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