Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize