And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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