I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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