The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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