I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
