What did we do last night that was yellow?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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