Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to have your abortion
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
