I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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