I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
