so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize