so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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