I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
