The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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