I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
