I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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