My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
