That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
