Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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