If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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