I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
