Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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