closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
