Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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