He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize