Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
