Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
