possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
