forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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