What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I need a beard to bite.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
