ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
