I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
