The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
