I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
