I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She bit a glass in half.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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