OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
