he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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